Dienstag, 10. März 2015

ESSAY 111

by Constantin von Hoffmeister


I.

The settlers settled. Too many settlers settled in too small a space on the Western plains. The Eastern plains had long ago been vacated to make room for the settlement of the indigenous population of Nebulus IV. The indigenous population of Nebulus IV was not the smartest one in this part of the galaxy. They wore belts to keep their stomachs from indefinitely growing to the bursting point. They sure do like to eat a lot. They do, they do! And the flowers growing out of their asses are ready for the plucking when the moon is in its second rotational phase. The tower sent out deadly signals and deadly rays were used against the agitators on the square in front of the capital building. The capital building was round and soldiers were stationed all around it. Their guns loaded and their bellies empty, they waited for the agitators to arrive from behind the corner before opening fire on them, mowing them down like hysterical pigs. The deadly signals from the tower reached the ships in deep space and utterly disabled them, the crews running up and down their respective ships, screaming, "We've been hit! We've been hit!" And the slime dripped down their chins as they ate and farted and melted and died.


II.

He called and talked. He ate and read. A book about Thomas Jefferson and the making of America. He played the violin for an hour and then retired. He woke up five hours later and ate three hard-boiled eggs. He walked to work with his briefcase under his right arm. Three cars passed him on the way to the office. The sun was already high in its zenith. Evidently the trash had not been picked up the night before. All the trash cans in the city were overflowing with trash. He put a handkerchief over his nose and continued the walk to the office. A bird was circling overhead. A vulture was circling overhead. A man was lying in the street. A dead man was lying in the street. He walked over to the dead man and looked the dead man in the face. He realized the dead man was him. A vulture was circling overhead. He woke up with a start. He ate three hard-boiled eggs and walked to work with his black briefcase under his left arm. Two cars passed him on the way to the office. It was still dark so early in the morning in wintertime.

III.

The aliens landed on an alien planet. They planted alien seeds in alien soil. Alien plants sprung up in alien fields. The aliens wondered why everything was so alien. "Probably because we are on an alien planet," one of the aliens said. "Farming has never seemed so alien," another of the aliens said. Both aliens walked along the alien fields, scratching their alien heads while marvelling at the alien landscape all around them. The alien moon was shining its alien light on the alien planet were the aliens were harvesting the sap from the trees they had brought from their home planet. The alien soil changed the chemical composition of the sap they were harvesting from the trees. The sap tasted alien. It did not taste the way it did on their home planet. The aliens used the sap that had become so alien to them to grease the engines of their UFOs. Soon they would be able to leave this strange and alien planet. Back on their alien world, the aliens would cease to be aliens. The name of their home planet did not sound alien to the aliens while the name of the alien planet they had landed on surely did.

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